Being here

Ring Out Solstice Bells!

2007-12-21T21:56:00.000Z

I spent my day at the till telling my customers that I was going to celebrate the solstice tonight. Some showed vague interest. Others just hurried away with that added edge of urgency.

A man wearing a 'Hell's Angels' leather jacket arrived with a woman. The woman seemed interested - 'So it's when the days start to get longer then is it?'. She seemed pleased.

I felt encouraged. I told them that tonight was the start of my holiday. I told them that I knew of no theological arguments about the solstice or wars that had been fought over it. The solstice exists. That is all there is to it. The days start getting longer and that is great.

Then the man surprised me by saying 'But Jesus existed!'. I was completely taken aback. I felt that I had been wrong footed. I opened my mouth and heard myself say 'But his birthday wasn't in December!' I had no idea if this was true or not. I thought that he was going to be enthusiastic about my plans to celebrate the solstice - but instead he had gone all defensive of Christianity on me. He came up, wagged a finger in my face, saying 'You're a cunt, you are.' and walked off.

Greetings

2007-05-24T23:24:00.000+01:00

The place where I work backs onto the grounds of Fulbourn Psychiatric Hospital. Some of the grounds have been sold off and have become a large and busy commercial estate but there is still a large expanse of pleasant parkland which you can stroll around in, taking in views of the nearby, magical Gog Magog hills.

I am strolling around. Some children cycle up to me and say 'Hello mate! Are you alright?'.

I'm seventy eight years old

2006-10-12T21:59:00.000+01:00

I have had a spate of customers recently who have really gone to town slagging off the shop I work in. Yesterday, I had a really sweary woman go on and on about what a shit shop it was. She said "This is mindfuck! Can you believe this shit! This is a fucking awful shop. I hate coming here. Fucking awful.. etc. etc." She wasn't angry. I smiled and said "Yes...yes..yes". Eventually she left, quite pleased with herself, I think. I smiled inwardly and turned to my next customer. "Gosh!" I said to my next customer, who had heard everything. She smiled and said "It's my birthday today. I'm seventy eight years old".

You're Going To Die!

2006-09-27T21:51:00.000+01:00

I pick up my girlfriend from the small car park that serves the Oncology and Chest out-patient clinics at Addenbrooke's hospital. Around the car park are numerous 'Do Not Smoke In This Area' signs. There is one approximately every eight feet along the railings that surround the car park.

Until fairly recently, there was a huddle of plastic chairs in one corner of the car park where, in spite of the signs, staff from the hospital would come out and smoke their fags.

A few months back, Addenbrooke's Hospital Trust made the entire hospital site a smoke-free zone (I think there is an exception in the accomodation blocks and the Leisure Centre, but that is all). This means that in the small car park, where I pick up my girlfriend, the pattern of 'Do Not Smoke In This Area' signs have been interlaced with even more signs informing people about the smoke-free site policy. The smoke-free site policy means that you are not even allowed to smoke in your own car while you are on the site.

In spite of all this, I quite often see people smoking in that small car park. I hate having to breath other people's smoke at the best of times, but here, just a few feet away from where people regularly get told that they are going to die from smoke related illness, I have to say I relish in pouncing on the offenders. I know for a fact that when people smoke in the car park, the smoke has a habit of trickling in to those very rooms where people are being told that they only have a few agony-ridden months of life left. I try and tell them politely that they are smoking in a smoke-free area. Before I approach them I have put them on their guard by having given them a hard scowling-at. Then, ideally, they will give me a 'What do you want?' sort of a look. That is good. I can then close in on them with an enquiry as to whether or not they are aware that they are smoking in a smoke free area. They rebel. They stupidly tell me that they don't care. Or what am I going to do about it? The argument ensues. I make an arse of myself with my self-righteous idignation. However pompous and stroppy I get, though - I know I can't lose in this situation. They always give up in the end and stub the cigarette out. Victory is sweet.

I've just written to the head of IT in the NHS asking for a job...

2006-06-13T16:44:00.000+01:00

God, I've been writing a lot emails recently. Anyway, a few days ago, I had a rather hurried conversation with my Dad in which he said something about the NHS paying Fujitsu millions of pounds, because even though Fujitsu are behind in delivering whatever it is they have been contracted to deliver to the NHS, the NHS is getting screwed big time over some sort of small print involving seconding NHS staff to Fujitsu.

I did some Googling and found that the story appeared in 'Computer Weekly', which is a fabulous read if you are interested in who is getting screwed by who in the IT world. The story was then picked up by The Guardian.

Here is the link to the story in The Guardian...

NHS trusts pay millions in fines to suppliers of delayed IT system

Here is what I wrote to the head of IT at the NHS...

Dear Richard Granger,

I am writing to you concerning the penalties you have agreed to pay Fujitsu in regard to your decision not to second staff to them as had been agreed.

I am one of a huge of number of programmers in this country unable to find IT work. I was a software developer in the Medical Informatics Unit at Cambridge University up until that unit closed down. This unit was partially funded by the NHS with a view to providing IT solutions to the NHS. I therefore have some experience of the IT issues in the NHS.

If there is any way that the decision to pay the penalty can be reversed, by employing me and a number of other people in my position, I would be very glad to hear from you.

Yours sincerely,

writetothem.com

2006-06-11T23:48:00.002+01:00

I just saw on the cam.misc usenet newsgroup that someone had written to his MP to complain about the lack of any real dissent from the government on Guantanamo, especially now they are calling 'suicides' of inmates in their cells 'an act of war'. He did it at writetothem.com. So I did the same. I wrote:

Dear James Paice,

I am afraid I don't know what your exact position is on on the War on Terror, or The Long War, as I believe it is now called but surely you must be appalled by the fact that the American military are now calling the tragic deaths of prisoners of war incarcerated without charge for years on end in an illegal prison as an 'Act of War'.

As one of your constituents I urge you strongly to petition the Government to use its influence to urge the American regime to close down Camp Delta at Guantanamo Bay and have its inmates tried within a legitimate legal system or set free.

Yours sincerely,

2006-05-27T16:35:00.000+01:00

Bunker Man

Yesterday, when I was out for a walk with my girlfriend - we walked past a man digging a hole in a field with a tractor. On the way back, we had to stand aside so the tractor man (apparently having finished digging his hole for the day) could drive his tractor past us on the narrow lane. However, when the tractor reached us, the door swung open and he started to talk to us, or rather my girlfriend. I don't think he fancied me much. Anyway, he started telling us how he worked for contractors who had dug bunkers for the Ministry of Defence in Scotland. He had worked on bunkers in the Western Isles, he said, that were for equipment used for 'keeping an eye on the Russians' he said. Then he told us that he had helped build a bunker or Gruinard Island.

I know Gruinard Island as the 'Anthrax Island'. Many years ago, when I was a boy, I stayed at a campsite on a beach that looked out to Gruinard Island. We could see the 'MOD - Keep Off' signs and wondered at the horror that would ensue if someone went over and came back infected with the deadly disease...

We forgot to ask Bunker Man what he was digging a hole for - in a field near our house.

2006-05-15T17:22:00.000+01:00

Doorstep botherer

I have just had youth round my house demanding that I pay a three pound fine for not having a Betterware catalogue! She said that her boss said that she should fine me. I told her that she should send her boss round - thinking that would be the end of it.

After I closed the door, I wished I had asked to see some identification - then try and ascertain how many OAPs she had been trying to pull this one on. I thought I could have turned on my MP3 player and recorded the conversation...

Anyway, a little while later, there was another knock at the door. Somehow, even though the cheek of it was beyond comprehension, I knew it was going to be her . I grabbed my MP3 player and fumbled with it to switch it on - but I realized that five or ten seconds it would take to boot up was far longer than I could be bothered to wait. I answered the door.

She said ' I've had a word with my boss and he says he'll let you off this time - but if I come round again and you don't have your catalogue - then I will fine you three pounds.' She said, ' Would you like a catalogue?'

I said 'No thanks.' and closed the door.

2006-05-13T18:51:00.000+01:00

The music in my head goes round and round

Like a lot of people, I sometimes get a tune in my head which I just can't get rid of. I can get 'infected' by just about any catchy tune - but there is one little bit of music that keeps coming back again and again. It's not like its even music with a name - not that I know of anyway. It is, however, from a film. It's from 'Midnight Cowboy' it is the jingle from the Florida orange juice advert that plays on Joe Buck's radio while Joe and Ratso dance around their freezing squat trying to get warm. As I remember it, the music carries on as the film melts into Ratso and Joe's fantasy of living the high life on a beautiful hot day, beside a swimming pool, surrounded by voluptuous women.

2006-04-23T07:07:00.000+01:00

new home

I have moved this blog to this address. I used to host it on my own web space - but that caused a problem when people sent comments - ie. they never appeared until I re-published the blog. I think I could have sorted this out if I saved the login details of my own web space on blogspot but I didn't want to do that.

2006-04-21T15:38:00.000+01:00

One Flew Easter

Easter for me was a few snatched hours up in Scotland with my nearest and dearest. I was told I had to work Easter Saturday, so instead of having a more sedate drive up on Good Friday, we flew up after I finished work on Saturday.

We wanted to get to Grangemouth in good time for my girlfriend's brother's surprise birthday party at Grangemouth Golf Club. We missed the surprise bagpipe tribute that welcomed his arrival, but got there in time for the food. So that was alright then. I sat down and felt like a complete mood hoover for an hour or two. Then, feeling like there was nothing else for it, got up and danced like - er well - I danced the rest of the night away. Apparently someone later commented 'Ben looked like he was enjoying himself'. I was. How much of a twat I looked, I can only guess at. Happy Birthday Stuart. Thanks to Irene for a great night - and for the vegan food!

After about twenty-two hours non-stop madness on Easter Saturday, I wasn't up to much more than a quiet day with my parents on Easter Day. We had the traditional Easter egg hunt. I fell asleep. On Easter Monday some of us went for a walk along a nearby stretch of river. I slept a lot. In the evening we all watched 'Catch Me If You Can' with Leonardo di Caprio, Tom Hanks and Christopher Walken. The story of this film is largely based on a father-son relationship. It reminded me of 'The Life Aquatic' which I gave to my dad as a Christmas present. I don't know if he has seen it yet. Every time I ask him, he says 'Bill Murray? That should be a good film...'.

On Tuesday morning I slept late. On our way to the airport, we had lunch with my parents at 'The Powfoulis Manor' - a huge, empty, hotel type place near the Kincardine Bridge. It was slightly disconcerting being the only diners (we only saw two other people, both members of staff) in such a huge place. Even though the food, service and prices were faultless (they went out of their way preparing vegan food for me), I didn't feel very cheered when we waved goodbye in the car park.

There just is never enough time.

2006-04-13T02:08:00.000+01:00

Something from me to you...

I am going to be sealed in a aluminium can on Saturday for an hour or so as it is propelled from Stansted to Edinburgh, sharing a small amount of air with quite a few people. I am also brewing up a particularly juicy cold. If you are going to be on that flight - I apologise in advance! You may already have it by then though, seeing as I will have infected a large number of people via my job at the supermarket.

"I would like a seat with plenty of room to spread out, please."

2006-04-04T14:47:00.000+01:00

A Moment of Contemplation

This happened some time ago.

When something truly dreadful happens in the world, if there is a national 'two minutes silence' being observed, our shop will join in.

Once, just as the two minutes silence was about to begin, I was serving someone who was hard of hearing. Someone, who actually had quite a loud voice, possibly so they could hear themselves talk.

The two minutes' silence started and the customer left my till. Then, just as a reverent silence fell on the store, my customer wheeled round and shouted: 'You short changed me! YOU SHORT CHANGED ME!'.

2006-04-04T14:39:00.000+01:00

My girlfriend says...

I have emailed my girlfriend to boast about the fabulous run I've just been on. She replied saying I'll get iliotibial band syndrome and shin splints. She's just jealous.

2006-03-10T17:22:00.000Z

My Customers Love Me

I don't know why - as I greet them with a face like a skelpit erse. I'm deep in thought, mentally many, many miles away, and actually quite happy. 'You look bored so I thought I'd come to you.' they say. Or just as annoyingly - 'I thought I'd come and cheer you up'.

2006-03-07T10:34:00.000Z

Outside my window

it is overcast, cold and windy. I want to get some exercise. This would involve leaving the house.

My girlfriend told me that she went running for an hour and ten minutes on Saturday. Hmm.

How am I going to prepare myself for this? I have prepared myself a bagel and some orange juice. I have selected some music for my MP3 player. I need to be more comfortable. I've put the fire on. Oh, yes... I could write about it in my blog, too.

2006-03-05T07:49:00.000Z

God and Tony

Someone came to my till yesterday with a copy of 'The Catholic Herald' under their arm.

I said 'Do you think God told Tony Blair to go to war in Iraq?'.

Flustered, they said 'That would be a political matter.'.

2006-02-26T18:06:00.000Z

"No wonder them Injuns are fighting so hard to keep this country!"

Whiling away a Sunday afternoon watching a whimsical romantic comedy set in a time of ethnic cleansing.

Calamity Jane

Hollywood...

Reality (scrubbed up)...

Black Hills of Dakota

2006-02-25T18:01:00.002Z

1972

A few days before my sixth birthday we moved from Crowthorne in Berkshire to Penarth in South Wales.

Whether these are real memories or stuff I think I remember but don't at all but my mind has coloured in some stories I've been told - or it is just stuff I made up I don't know.

It was late Autumn, wintery and dark. When we got to the new house half the downstairs floors were missing - and bizarely half the stairs too. I imagine half or all of the light bulbs were missing - but I don't know for sure. I think my parents went out and bought us chips for dinner. This would have been a good thing.

Even better things to be discovered were:-

1)A old style gramaphone with a bakelite horn thing and, wind up handle and chest full of 72rpm records.
2)A big, heavy safe - like the Ant Hill Mob would make off with.
3)A stone trough in the middle of the back garden that weighed about a ton. Some years later my father moved it about twenty feet so that it would collect water from the roof of the garage. I think his method may have been inspired by speculation about the origins of Stonehenge.

2006-02-23T17:11:00.000Z

Down at the dentist's

I went to see my dentist today. For the first time in years and years and years. Now my teeth are all white and spangly and fresh and not hidden oral horrors any more, at all.

My dentist is a very diligent note-taker. I don't mean my dental records. He has a fistful of cards on which there is other stuff. He seems to know all the jobs I have had for the last sixteen years and makes pleasant small talk about my life experiences - possibly to distract me from whatever dentistry related worries I may be having. I had one or two things I wanted to ask him but all I could utter was 'glub' and 'splurp'. Some people are just difficult to get a word in edgeways with. Dentists have a distinct advantage here.

If I were to have left his surgery and had a near death experience - the 'life before my eyes' moment would have been a little better prepared than it would have been otherwise.

The only thing I know about my dentist outside of his dentistry - is that I think he is (or was) something of a patron of the musical arts. I base this solely on the facts that some sixteen years ago I had guitar lessons in a room under his surgery and also, at around that time there was a tiny, very quirky guitar shop next door to the surgery (where once I went, drunk, the day before a long sea voyage, the man in the shop played some music for me, and I bought it to take on the voyage). I have always assumed that the guitar teacher and the guitar shop man rented their space from my dentist. I never found out for sure. I haven't played my guitar in years.

Hares at home

2006-02-19T00:44:00.000Z

Hares at home
Originally uploaded by space adventures.

2006-02-17T17:52:00.000Z

Good for you, sister!

Today when I had a spare two minutes I switched on my radio. It was Radio Two. I assume it was 'Pause for Thought'. A priestly sounding voice was telling me that the people he admires the most are people who do things for the sake of doing them. People who just get on with it and don't expect any praise. I think the focus of his Godly talk was the recent Brit Awards ceremony. I felt guilty when I listened to this. When I do things, I want something out of it, be it money or respect. Preferably both. Especially money. Perhaps I am a bad person, I thought. I only heard a few words of what the man on the radio had to say. Perhaps I took it out of context but I had had enough of him and I turned the radio over to Radio 4. A woman was being interviewed who had been a nun but had decided to stop being a nun and so wasn't a nun anymore. Whilst being a nun she had gone to university to study English so she could go back to her convent and teach. She had found that even though the university was far from a 'worldly' place, the encouragement she had been given to think for herself and to analyse and question the thoughts of the authors she studied changed her view of the world fundamentally. When she went back to the convent, the regime of unquestioning faith was intolerable to her. She had a small nervous breakdown and subsequently left the convent.

I felt bad that the nun had had a breakdown - but I liked the ex-nun's story. The Radio 2 guy may have gone on to qualify what I'd heard and I had got him completely wrong, but the nun had cheered me up and I thought about what a grim place the world would be full of the Radio 2 guy's chums.

Edit: Later I looked in 'Radio Times' and found that the above mentioned were probably 1) Rev Chris Morley and 2)Karen Armstrong.

2006-02-15T00:21:00.000Z

Here i am.

I spent a large part of today (or yesterday because it is so late now) fannying around with a forum I vaingloriously set up here. But after all of that effort I have decided that I just must have one of these blog things too.

All of this fun. It is such a shame that I need to sleep!